Have you ever said this: “Why me?”
Well, I have. I graduated from high school with honors at age 16, started college at 17, majored in Business Management and Information Systems, took a year off before starting a Master’s program. Completed the program with a degree in Telecommunications. I met my husband after giving my life to the Lord and we remained abstinent until we wed. Please understand this. I’m no saint and there is a lot of testimony missing. In fact, there were issues with men that brought me back to my foundation and first love which is Jesus Christ. Having done everything “by the book,” the real tests began.
- Our first child was delivered through C-section because her heart rate decelerated.
- 2nd child had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times. It was so tight that when I would contract, her head would snap back. I was planning for a natural birth, but at that point, it was not about me: “Get my baby out! I screamed.”
- After 2 C-sections, I miscarried and wondered if I had sinned or made the Lord angry. Was He punishing me for something I did or did not do? “Lord what did I do? Did I upset you?”
- 3 months later, pregnant again. After 2 C-sections, a 3rd C-section is inevitable.
- 4 girls later, not planning to have any more children, the boy comes – with another C-section.
Here comes more “whys”…
- “Lord why can’t I have children the way you designed? I did it the right way?”
- “How come I can’t “pop” one out and then be back on my feet a week later?”
- “Am I supposed to be having children?”
- “Why won’t my hips adjust for natural child birth? It’s folks clubbing and everything, they get around as if nothing happened and I’m on bed rest for 6 weeks.”
- “Why my children have to suffer IN the womb?”
My family and I were beyond excited about a son but…another C-section? At this point risks with my age (37 at the time) and the number of C-sections I have had, are on my mind. My son’s life was at stake (and so was mine). I’m at a crossroad emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I had to somehow put my faith in check and determine if I would trust the Lord or not. My son was delivered fine and we both survived but my son’s life laid in the balance immediately after delivery. He was born with severe wet lungs. This meant he swallowed too much fluid in my womb. It was so bad, he was whisked away to the NICU, not knowing if he would survive. Great…just great! The one thing I truly desired – to give my husband a son – his name sake, he may not even live. 9 months of all-day sickness and fears from the last C-sections (the epidural would not take so I was put to sleep), what will happen this time? I wondered if the umbilical cord would be around his neck as it was Asia’s. Lord this was the prophesied child – the son…my boy… by the Apostle before He passed…and this may be it? That’s all? Just a glimpse of him? It was truly 9 months of mental torment with my son’s pregnancy.
What do you do when you have faith and you know that it was because of Jesus that you have made it this far? But now…there’s new situations and circumstances. What do you do? Well, I can tell you what I did. First, I had to have a talk with Kim Lock. Next, I began to thank the Lord for all that He had done (reverence). Then I began to pray by His word and to let Him know that I know what He has said and bae baeee…I believe Him. Finally, I needed some additional ammunition, so I had my husband to pray with me.
It wasn’t until my husband became a Pastor that I began to understand my purpose. I soon realized what was being accomplished through me.
PURPOSE was being fulfilled. Faith was growing. Spiritual character was being developed.
My trials had absolutely NOTHING to do with me but everything to do with who the Lord desired for me to be, to reach, and to compel.
Through ridicule, persecution, exile and mockery, Jesus did everything to ensure that the words of God, our Father, were fulfilled as was written, even to death.
Could your worst trial be Jesus’ desire to fulfill His purpose through you?
Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty. – John 19:28 NIV