A Beautiful Nightmare

I fall asleep now unknowingly and unintentionally. When I open my eyes, I tell Him: “Thank you.” The tears begin to fall because I  realize that I was actually awake, although it feels like a dream. I’d send you our funny early morning greeting:

“Hey sugga bear, I love you.”
“Morning snowflake, bubble guts, peach cobbler, banana bread or banana pudding…” (or some weird southern dessert she used to eat).

These last 5 years have taken a toll on you, going from being completely healthy, to us being in the ER at the same time: You for your breathing and me with false labor, with my son. Ma, you know I’m transparent, right? Shoot – I got that from you. Here is how I really feel: “Are you serious lady? You got up outta here like this?” 

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We spoke of places we were going to travel together this year. You were determined not to allow Asthma and Congestive Heart Failure to prevent you from spending time with your babies – Nanna’s babies. I never planned to have this many children; but the Lord must have allowed me to, so you could experience the joy of having more than one child. These kids miss you like crazy, Ma. We all have our moments. One moment we good, the next, it’s a boat load of tears. And there is not a question or thought of asking God why – no, I am not bitter at my Father. When I talk to Him now about you, I tell Him: “I trust you, Father.” Sometimes, it’s hard to see through the tears, but when I cannot see, God has promised He will not leave me and that my weakness is strong through Him.

Momma, I am who I am, because of you.

  • You taught me how to love people when they hurt me, because you did it.
  • You taught me how to take a little and stretch it, because you did it.
  • You taught me that having the latest in name brand fashion means nothing, as long as I kept myself looking neat and clean. You could take a piece of cloth and sew anything.
  • You taught me to make something of myself and never have to depend on a man for anything, because you did it.

You were such a fragile soul. Even your own siblings did not understand you. The littlest things would hurt you to the core, because nobody understood the burdens you bore when you were little. The story you never shared with anyone, shaped you into the woman, wife to my dad, and mother and grandmother you became.

It’ll never get easy, I’ll just learn to cope.

I thank God for Jesus, because all is not loss. The beauty in this nightmare, is that you no longer have to struggle for breath, because you are resting in the arms the one who has given you the breath of life.

I’ll see you later. Right now, I have some people to reach, some folks to introduce to Jesus the one you would sing your hymns to all through the night, waking up in the morning having your own worship service. I have some lives to touch, some children to raise and a husband to walk in agreement with on spreading the Gospel of Jesus. I already recognized that life is short and things are falling apart in this world, but now, I must be about my Father’s business. There is urgency in my purpose and I will push through this pain. 

When I get there, I need you to find me and hold me. Oh and one more thing. Can you make sure my mansion is next to yours?

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“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:1-3 NKJV

 

 

31 thoughts on “A Beautiful Nightmare

  1. Lawd have mercy!! Sis the strength God is giving you right now is breathe taking❤️. I allowed my co-worker to read you devotion she wept and rejoiced.

  2. But GOD…….I love your strength and I thank you for sharing this Devotion… I Thank you Jesus 4 Connection! I thank you for the Life of Ms. Edna….. I love you Lady Lock and Family! Keep Pressing and Pushing…Amen!

  3. Beautiful! Thank you Lord for Blessing me with such a Beautiful woman of God who continues to teach in her own storm. I Love you First Lady Kim. My Prayers are with you and your family.

  4. Just Unbelievable!!!!
    “TGBTG” I Thank GOD For JESUS & For Giving You The Strength You Have @This Time Of Sorrow….

    I Truly Love & Admire You, First Lady Kim R.Lock
    Thanks For Sharing💜💜💜

  5. My heart is filled with joy at the strength that you are showing to us through your creative expression. Tears are falling as read such a loving devotion. Through pain you share such a beautiful fabric of joy! love you sis and will continue to lift you up in our prayers!

  6. My heart is overwhelmed and filled with so much joy. Thank you Lord for giving Lady Kim the strength to endure and the selflessness to share her very personal and intimate relationship with her mom. I feel so blessed!!

  7. Wow! Bless your relationship. I wish I had tht with my mom. And, the devil has tried to put issues to separate my daughter’s, and I relationship. But, this has been more than motivation to me, it CONFIRMATION. Tht generational curse, STOPS HERE! God bless ypu 1st lady. I love you, and so appreciate knowing your mom. And Im sure you will have all you need to cope with this😘😘😘😘😘. My family and I are prayer for you!!!

  8. Cuzzin Kim I thank the Lord for giving you the strength to write and to share A Beautiful Nightmare. As I read it my heart filled with joy and tears started to fall. I love you all and wish we could be there for support. We just a call away.

  9. Wow Awesome devotion sis Kim thank you for sharing your moment with me I can definitely relate to that message thanking God for Jesus he is amazing Im so speechless right now may God continue to bless you and keep you thankful to God for your awesome gifts ❤️ you sis

  10. This is sooo beautiful Kim. Ms Edna was such a Beautiful spirited lady with lots of love, joy & laughter. Praying for ur strength. I Love you all.💗🙏💖

  11. Wow, so touching Lady Kim, you are an inspiration and living example to all of us. I truly Love you & your family and i thanks God for you all every single day!

  12. Omg I know your pain I too, had to be without my friend(mama!! ) just do one thing Holla!!- as loud-as-you want Holla!! as long as you want!!!just Holla !!!!

  13. Beautiful inspiring devotion. I was finally brave enough to read it😩. As tears came to my eyes, I remember when she would come and take me to dialysis even if her night was not good. I will truly miss Ms. Edna. I’m out of town but praying and thanking God for your strength. Love ❤️ you.

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