I fall asleep now unknowingly and unintentionally. When I open my eyes, I tell Him: “Thank you.” The tears begin to fall because I realize that I was actually awake, although it feels like a dream. I’d send you our funny early morning greeting:
“Hey sugga bear, I love you.”
“Morning snowflake, bubble guts, peach cobbler, banana bread or banana pudding…” (or some weird southern dessert she used to eat).
These last 5 years have taken a toll on you, going from being completely healthy, to us being in the ER at the same time: You for your breathing and me with false labor, with my son. Ma, you know I’m transparent, right? Shoot – I got that from you. Here is how I really feel: “Are you serious lady? You got up outta here like this?”
We spoke of places we were going to travel together this year. You were determined not to allow Asthma and Congestive Heart Failure to prevent you from spending time with your babies – Nanna’s babies. I never planned to have this many children; but the Lord must have allowed me to, so you could experience the joy of having more than one child. These kids miss you like crazy, Ma. We all have our moments. One moment we good, the next, it’s a boat load of tears. And there is not a question or thought of asking God why – no, I am not bitter at my Father. When I talk to Him now about you, I tell Him: “I trust you, Father.” Sometimes, it’s hard to see through the tears, but when I cannot see, God has promised He will not leave me and that my weakness is strong through Him.
Momma, I am who I am, because of you.
- You taught me how to love people when they hurt me, because you did it.
- You taught me how to take a little and stretch it, because you did it.
- You taught me that having the latest in name brand fashion means nothing, as long as I kept myself looking neat and clean. You could take a piece of cloth and sew anything.
- You taught me to make something of myself and never have to depend on a man for anything, because you did it.
You were such a fragile soul. Even your own siblings did not understand you. The littlest things would hurt you to the core, because nobody understood the burdens you bore when you were little. The story you never shared with anyone, shaped you into the woman, wife to my dad, and mother and grandmother you became.
It’ll never get easy, I’ll just learn to cope.
I thank God for Jesus, because all is not loss. The beauty in this nightmare, is that you no longer have to struggle for breath, because you are resting in the arms the one who has given you the breath of life.
I’ll see you later. Right now, I have some people to reach, some folks to introduce to Jesus the one you would sing your hymns to all through the night, waking up in the morning having your own worship service. I have some lives to touch, some children to raise and a husband to walk in agreement with on spreading the Gospel of Jesus. I already recognized that life is short and things are falling apart in this world, but now, I must be about my Father’s business. There is urgency in my purpose and I will push through this pain.
When I get there, I need you to find me and hold me. Oh and one more thing. Can you make sure my mansion is next to yours?
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:1-3 NKJV